your damn friend: i want another cat
your damn friend: i love kittiessss
your damn friend: i want like
your damn friend: three
your damn friend: billion
your damn friend: cats
jay: and NO children...
your damn friend: children are too needy
your damn friend: and sloppy...
your damn friend: and unnerving
jay: so you want to be the creepy old cat-lady that lives alone in some shanty and has crazy eyes...
your damn friend: yes
your damn friend: that is my dream
jay: LMAO
the story of my life.
i feel a lot better right now than i did 24 hours ago. or 48, or 72 hours ago. so that's good--i don't know, i find that i don't really have times anymore where i feel genuinely good. i mean, i feel fine sometimes, even happy--i don't think that 'good' and 'happy' are the same thing, necessarily. i just never sit down and think about how good i feel, how perfect any one moment is. every day just gets worse and worse, it seems, and i just feel more and more like i'm never going to get anywhere with my life.
it's official now that my parents don't want to pay for out-of-state tuition--which is not what they said when i graduated high school. gone are the days of "anywhere you want to go, we'll put you there!" and in their place are the days of "if you fuck up this time you aren't going back to school until you can pay for it yourself."
i'm sick of dealing with my dad, who doesn't care if i'm happy because the only thing that matters to him is that i am successful. sometimes people don't want to make over $100,000 dollars a year, sometimes they just want to live life at their own pace. i just want to make a little money, take a class or two, go on some roadtrips! i want to go to europe and see everything! i want to travel and visit friends i've never met before. i want to drive--just drive--somewhere, anywhere.
i want to get out of texas. i want to see snow, and trees. i want to experience autumn for the first time since i was seven. i want to see the chesapeake bay again! i want to walk around annapolis and eat ice cream.
but then i have this nagging doubt that the only reason i want those things is because i haven't had them for so long--that if i moved back north, back east, to the first place i remember loving and the only place i ever felt at home...i'd be disappointed.
i've been disappointed by other things i thought were constants in my life.
i don't want to move back and realise it isn't everything that i remember, that the gold and red of the trees isn't as beautiful as i recall. i don't want to not like winter, i want to roll around in the snow like i did when i was a kid. i want to enjoy life!
and i'm starting to fear that i won't be able to do that anywhere.
i'm starting to feel like nobody's ever going to understand me or like me or love me and god, god, god--it scares me.
it's just that i feel stuck in this american town
i finally got a good job; it'd just be dumb to move now
so some days i can hardly move
much less move away