Posts (page 2)

your damn friend: i want another cat
your damn friend: i love kittiessss
your damn friend: i want like
your damn friend: three
your damn friend: billion
your damn friend: cats
jay: and NO children...
your damn friend: children are too needy
your damn friend: and sloppy...
your damn friend: and unnerving
jay: so you want to be the creepy old cat-lady that lives alone in some shanty and has crazy eyes...
your damn friend: yes
your damn friend: that is my dream
jay: LMAO

the story of my life.

i feel a lot better right now than i did 24 hours ago.  or 48, or 72 hours ago.  so that's good--i don't know, i find that i don't really have times anymore where i feel genuinely good.  i mean, i feel fine sometimes, even happy--i don't think that 'good' and 'happy' are the same thing, necessarily.  i just never sit down and think about how good i feel, how perfect any one moment is.  every day just gets worse and worse, it seems, and i just feel more and more like i'm never going to get anywhere with my life.

it's official now that my parents don't want to pay for out-of-state tuition--which is not what they said when i graduated high school.  gone are the days of "anywhere you want to go, we'll put you there!" and in their place are the days of "if you fuck up this time you aren't going back to school until you can pay for it yourself."

i'm sick of dealing with my dad, who doesn't care if i'm happy because the only thing that matters to him is that i am successful.  sometimes people don't want to make over $100,000 dollars a year, sometimes they just want to live life at their own pace.  i just want to make a little money, take a class or two, go on some roadtrips!  i want to go to europe and see everything!  i want to travel and visit friends i've never met before.  i want to drive--just drive--somewhere, anywhere.

i want to get out of texas.  i want to see snow, and trees.  i want to experience autumn for the first time since i was seven.  i want to see the chesapeake bay again!  i want to walk around annapolis and eat ice cream.

but then i have this nagging doubt that the only reason i want those things is because i haven't had them for so long--that if i moved back north, back east, to the first place i remember loving and the only place i ever felt at home...i'd be disappointed.

i've been disappointed by other things i thought were constants in my life.

i don't want to move back and realise it isn't everything that i remember, that the gold and red of the trees isn't as beautiful as i recall.  i don't want to not like winter, i want to roll around in the snow like i did when i was a kid.  i want to enjoy life!

and i'm starting to fear that i won't be able to do that anywhere.

i'm starting to feel like nobody's ever going to understand me or like me or love me and god, god, god--it scares me.

it's just that i feel stuck in this american town
i finally got a good job; it'd just be dumb to move now
so some days i can hardly move
much less move away

today mostly sucked.  i don't know.  i guess it didn't.

my dad's office is getting a new cell phone plan, which means we're switching from cingular back to t-mobile and getting new phones.  i am totally getting a neon pink razr because my dad is too lame to get me a sidekick.  EVEN THOUGH I WANT ONE REALLY BADLY.  jerk.

i guess it'll match the pink laptop i'm (trying to) save money for.  whatevz.

i went to work from 4:30 to 8:30 (i was first cut out of three, so i got cut early) and we were trying this "NEW AND IMPROVED" method of hosting that did not work AT.  ALL.  basically i had to stand at the door handing out pagers and taking names while josh and kelsey, the other hosts, kept me up to date as tables were opening.  the problem is that it takes fucking forever because i had to take the name, then tell josh and kelsey we had a person on wait.  they had to check to see what tables were getting up soon, and relay that information over to me (we all wear headsets so we can communicate easier).  then, when there was finally an open table, they had to tell me what table it was so i would know how many people to sit there.  THEN, i would have to tell josh or kelsey what pager to call and how many the party was (because the pager system is hooked up in the host stand and can't be moved.  it's also massive, so you wouldn't want to move it...).

it's so much easier if you just do it all ate the stupid host stand.  then one person can hold the door and greet guests, one person can manage the wait list/seating chart, and the third host can seat tables.  THERE.  DONE.

also, the pagers start beeping if they're in close proximity to other pagers--if one pager can sense a second pager almost-but-not-quite stacked into it, it starts beeping to notify you that it isn't on the charger.  and we had all the pagers in a huge bowl because i was handing them out right at the front door, rather than at the host stand.

the entire system was fucking stupid and i have talked about it way too much.

then my dad made me walk my mother's dogs at like, 9:15, after i got home--at which point it was pitch black outside.  when i asked him why he didn't walk them when it was still light outside, all he said was, "you weren't here to do it then."

my family is fucking crazy.

on the positive side, i think i talked my mom into getting me this!  so that's cool.  pearls + diamonds = awesome, in my book.  it looks so dainty and delicate.  PRETTY. *grabby hands!*

i am so going to sleep now.

oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
i'm getting old and i need something to rely on
so tell me when you're gonna let me in
i'm getting tired and i need somewhere to begin
so if you have a minute, why don't we go
talk about it somewhere only we know
this could be the end of everything
so why don't we go, so why don't we go

i have to find a dress to wear to my grandmother's memorial service.  i asked my father if we were only taking one car with five people inside plus all of their luggage (including funeral garb). my mom walked into the room and said there would be six people in the car because "grandma will be there too!"

CREEPY.

as much as i love my family, i really don't want to be stuck with my entire immediate family plus my brothers girlfriend, IN A CAR, for 16 hours out of one weekend.  and i definitely don't want to spend any time with MY CREMATED GRANDMOTHER.  at all.  ever.  so i really don't see how taking one car is a good idea at all.  oh my god.

who decided this was a good idea?!  really, i'd like to know.

in other news, psych is kind of a funny show.  it's sad to say that my favourite parts of all the episodes are the little karaoke/blooper moments at the very end.  cute.

the big "Hi sara" at the top of the compose page kind of freaks me out.  there is no comma for direct address and the font is large and ungainly.  actually, most of the text on vox is oversized.  i guess they are catering to the senior internet population.  because i know so many of my friends in the aarp are just itching for vox accounts.

to suddenly change subjects...hopefully, this journal will become my new home.  i don't know.  maybe?  i mean, you know, my e-home.  i find it hard to write anything where anyone can read it.  but i think maybe posting publicly for once would help me get over that--and i need to get over it because, let's face it, i am a fucking coward.

how do you do it?