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JOSH: [out of nowhere] well, i get two weeks off and it's right around the corner, so.
ME: when?
JOSH: december.
ME: [fumbling for a response, any response] well--december is good.
JOSH: mmhmm.  so...
ME: so.
JOSH: what're your parents going to do?
ME: [totally confused] uh...hang out?
JOSH: tch, no.  they're probably gonna make me stay in a hotel.
ME: [catching on now] oh, no, they'd--they'd be fine with it.
JOSH: yeah?
ME: yeah, they'd be totally cool.
JOSH: mmhmm.  they'd think i look like a rapist.  i'd come to the door and--
ME: --"what's that, mom?  there's a rapist at my door?  why, that must be my friend joshua!"
JOSH: [laughing] one point for me!  yes!

so.

...december?

maybe?

oh my god.

JOSHHHH.

he told me he would text me this morning (at 5:30, when he wakes up) and then call if i responded.  "it's a bad sign," he said, "if i don't text you.  it means i didn't wake up...and one of my guys is sick and i have to take him in, so i kind of need to get up."

it looks like he slept in.

but he's sick too, so that's good.  that he slept in.  "i'm gonna get killed tomorrow," he told me, following the sentence up with the hugest yawn i've ever heard.

hopefully he's wrong.

on the ferris wheel, looking out on coney island
under more stars than there are prostitutes in thailand
our hair in the air, our lips blue from cotton candy
when we kiss it feels like a flying saucer landing
and i can't sleep, 'cause you've got strange powers
you're in my dreams, strange powers

ME: *laughing about something* oh my god.
JOSH: you--you're not catholic, we've covered that--what religion are you?
ME: i'm...i'm not.
JOSH: then why do you say "oh my god"?
ME: well...i--i don't know, i guess it's just, like, something that you hear people say growing up, and so you say it.  i mean, i say it.
JOSH: you're such a liar.
ME: what?  what?!
JOSH: what?
ME: what?!  what do i lie about?
JOSH: *laughs, then pauses* ...it's really beautiful outside tonight.

i don't even know.  he told me he probably wouldn't talk to me today (this conversation occurred last night) but then he sent me a message on myspace anyway, telling me that he was going to sleep, so we wouldn't talk unless i wanted to call and wake him up.

considering i've already done that once in the past, like, week and a half...i decided not to.

god.  god.

you struck me down like radium
like peter pan or superman, you will come to save me
come on and save me

i received two proposals of marriage in one evening!  i am on a roll.

JOSH: we should get married.
ME: oh really.
JOSH: i would make more money!

we talked for like...45 minutes, though.  and he didn't ignore me once.  and he talked about coming to see me when he gets a four-day weekend since he can go farther away then.  and.  just.  alfdjsalfdjsk.

he fucking slays me.

i miss him.

i'm taking a ride to somewhere inside
where you never left me and i never cried

what movie can you quote by heart?
Submitted by clamhead.

anastasia.  the fox cartoon movie.

i am serious.

also, many parts of the birdcage.  and the princess bride.  but who can't quote that movie by heart?  HONESTLY.

i know that space ghost: coast to coast isn't a movie, but i can quote, like, every fucking episode of that show.  omfg.

If you could only save one thing in a house fire (thing, not person), what would it be and why?
Submitted by donnunn.

i'm not sure if my cat counts--while i know he isn't a person, he certainly seems to think differently.  if little nemo doesn't count, then certainly my computer.  it's got my music and writing and all the information i need on it.

it's a practical, not an emotional save.

emotionally, i'd probably save my collection of notebooks--see, i'm cheating by using "collection" as my one item instead of one notebook, oh, how clever--because they document my retardation from about age twelve to present.  they are in turns enlightening and horrifying.

in somewhat-related news, i think it's stupid that the qotds are auto-separated into subcategories.  i don't want a useless "nice save" tag cluttering up my tag selection.  so screw that.

i really want chik-fil-a.

i am at school now and i really need to stop sitting in the same place everyday for my free period. i feel like i live on

edit 9/10/2006, 10:13 AM: hmm.  my phone told me that this wasn't sent at all, so imagine my surprise to find half my entry here.  maybe the other half went somewhere else.  either way, it went, more or less, something like this:

i feel like i live on this windowseat.  the same people are here every day and they know me now.  it is more than a little weird.

also, i talked to the boy last night.  just through text messages, and i eventually wound up going to sleep.  he called me at 5 and i swear--the one time he calls is the one time my phone isn't on.  he left a message on my answerphone that just said "uh...shoot!"

it was so cute.  he sounded genuinely upset that he couldn't get in touch with me.

so adorable.  i can't stand it.

he's going away for two or three weeks again.

i am more than a little sad.

the boy found me on myspace.  it's his birthday and he's the big 21.  he told me to call him and i complied.  i didn't yell at him like i should have, like i wanted to yesterday and the day before that and the week before that and the month before that.

he apologised to me.  for not being there, for not being--whatever, here.  he gets a six-day break every three months, i think, but he can't travel over 150 miles...and i am seven hours away.  but he apologised.  after a few moments where we were silent, he abruptly brought it up.  "i'm sorry i disappear for months at a time," he said.  "that's my bad.  i just want--you've got to understand, you've just got to wait around for me to resurface."

and i do, that's what i hate.  i do understand and i do just wait idly by, wondering when he's coming back, and if he's coming back for me.

"jesus christ," he said at one point, "i have to get up in five hours and run seven miles."

"holy shit.  i don't think i could run seven miles in, like, the course of seven days," i said.  because really--seven miles.  that's a fucking lot to be running at five in the morning.

he laughed and said, "nah, nah, i'll train you."  i don't know why i find that so adorable.  i laughed at him and he asked what was so funny.  i couldn't even say anything.

he says "nah" and "mmhmm" a lot.

he made some crack about how i wouldn't want to see him anyway, how if he's even in dallas again (apparently he was here in the past several months but for, you know, army things) i wouldn't WANT to hang out with him.  i told him he was crazy and he said i needed to go to bed.

cute.

we told each other goodnight and then there was a kind of weird moment where we tripped over each other trying to talk.  he said "goodnight" again and i pointedly reminded him that he had already said it.

"don't be a dick," he said, and i could practically feel him grinning.  "with us, there's no room for you to be a dick."

fuck, i love him.

fuck.

man, the train is coming through town.  it's such a weird moment.

i don't want to get over love
i could listen to my therapist, pretend you don't exist
and not have to dream of what i dream of
i could listen to all my friends and go out again
and pretend it's enough
or i could make a career of being blue
i could dress in black and read camus
smoke clove cigarettes and drink vermouth
like i was seventeen--that would be a scream
but i don't want to get over you

so i found out today that i have done WAY MORE in college than i thought i had.  by december, assuming i don't drop any of my classes, i'll only have 14 hours of school left.  fourteen hours.  FOURTEEN HOURS!  OH MY GOD.  i'm taking 12 right now.  yesterday my schedule looked like this:

11:00 - 11:50  --  local government
12:00 - 12:50  --  composition I
1:00 - 1:50  --  basic nutrition (shut up.  it replaces PE and i am determined to be a lazy bum.)
WHENEVER I WANT BECAUSE IT'S ONLINE, HAHA  --  world lit I

however, NCTC (my stupid fucking community college) is idiotic and basically mislabelled grammar and composition (AKA english 1301, which i have already taken) as comp I.  and they also put the wrong teacher down for it.  BUT THAT IS ANOTHER STORY.

so, yeah, long story short--i had the wrong class on my schedule.  so i was basically like, "SHIT SHIT FUCKER SHIT GODDAMN" and i had to go through a ton of shit (including leaving school and then DRIVING ALL THE WAY BACK) but it got sorted out.  mostly.

so now my schedule looks like this:

11:00 - 11:50  --  local government
12:00 - 12:50  --  ABSOLUTELY JACK SHIT :(
1:00 - 1:50  --  basic nutrition
2:00 - 2:50  --  sociology
whenever, whereverrrr (uh, </shakira>)  --  world lit I

SO THAT'S GR8.

and i suppose that, during my free period, i can do my homework for world lit (and government, since we're allowed to turn those assignments in online) in one of the computer labs.  ...woo.

i was so fucking excited to only have to be at school for three hours.  and now i am BACK TO FOUR.  but i guess, like, whatever.  at least i'll only have 14 hours left after this.

the problem is that this is what i will have left to take:

THREE hours of oral communication (read: speech.)
THREE hours of mathematics (read: hell on earth.)
EIGHT hours of lab/natural sciences (read: something i haven't had since my first semester of my senior year of high school...WHICH WAS IN THE YEAR 2004.)

in short, i am never going to get a fucking two-year degree.

i think i can take a minimester over the christmas break--i know they offer speech, maybe they offer, like...an easy math?  like that exists, haha.

...sigh.

my dad wants me to go to UNT (the university of north texas: where my brother goes, and where his girlfriend is currently employed as a teacher), but i'm kind of leaning toward UT (university of texas at austin).  it'd be kind of scary to actually be moving away, but i'd be INSANELY close to my best friend, and, well...

...living four hours away from my parents would be nice.  and UNT is only half an hour away.  the only thing keeping me from jumping right into UT (AKA applying to UT and hoping desperately that i get accepted) is that my parents would be like, "OMG PAY FOR YOUR OWN APARTMENT PLZ OR LIVE IN THE DORMS :D" and i really don't want to have to, you know, live with scary strangers.

...and i still kind of want to move to california and live with, probably, the best surrogate family i could ever ask for.  i would love, love, love to live with ophelia and tora and all of them.

sigh.  i need to go back to california.  like, right now.  i still have friends in california who i haven't met yet!  and i neeeed to.

yeah, well.  ...sigh.

and i can't stop listening to this song for some reason.

well, i can't stop talking for fear of listening to unwelcome sound
and you haven't called me in weeks and honestly, it's bringing me down
oh, i, i feel like i wouldn't like me if i met me
i, i feel like you wouldn't like me if you met me
and don't you worry; there's still time.  don't you worry; there's still time
there's nothing to live for when i'm sleeping alone
and i wash the windows outside in hopes that the glare will bring you around...
...sunshine is days away, i won't be saved, i know all the words
i can't say that i'll love you forever.
sunshine is days away, i won't be saved, i know all the words
i won't say that i'll love you forever.

i don't really know what i'm doing--with this journal, with my life, with anything.  my mom has been passive aggressive and bitchy and weird about everything for the past several days.  i've been trying to be nice and compliment her on everything i can think of--everything from her jewellery to the food she's decided to cook for dinner.  but she keeps saying i sound "aggravated" and "like i want [her] to drop off the face of the planet."  i don't know what else i can do.  i don't know how to make her happy.  i guess i never have.

when i went to mississippi, i bought books for the first time in a while.  i got tad williams' war of the flowers, nick hornby's a long way down, and laura gave me her copy of american gods because she got it for, like, two dollars used or something.  she says she's been trying to get rid of her books because she wants to buy more but doesn't have room for them.  i've started war of the flowers and oh my god oh my god oh my god, i love tad williams.  the prologue was a bit weird but dude--i love urban fantasy.  i FUCKING.  LOVE.  urban fantasy.  i just bought it because it was tad williams and i wanted something to read in the car on the way home from mississippi.  IMAGINE MY DELIGHT WHEN I FOUND THAT IT WAS--wait for it--URBAN FANTASY.

tad williams is so good at writing people.  i mean, like--real people.  i don't know.  and he's so good at spinning stories about things that could never in a million years happen except that maybe they could and therein lies the AWESOMEOSITY.  i love him.  love him!  the otherland series, oh my god.  ...i love him.  okay, i am done talking about him now.

i'm excited about the nick hornby book, too.  i loved about a boy and although i haven't read the book, i loooove the movie high fidelity.  i am abusing italics in this post, like whoa.

random thought: i hate it when people spell "whoa" as "woah."  it is ugly and stupid.  KIND OF LIKE YOUR MAMA.

i reallyreallyreally want the next holly black book to come out.  and i want cassie claire's first book to come out.  I WANT EVERYTHING.  most of all, i want to write my own book.  and have book signings!  and feel like i've accomplished something for the first time in my life.

school starts next monday and i don't want to go back.

i am so tired that i can't continue this without drifting into, like, motherfucking stream of consciousness or some shit.  AND AS MUCH AS I LIKE FAULKNER (read: not at all), i don't think that would be very fun.

so.  to bed i go!

EDIT -- i also bought season two of veronica mars while i was in mississippi--on the 19th, actually...and i thought it didn't even come out until today, the 22nd.  i just kind of stared at it on the shelf in best buy for a few moments, not really understanding what was going on.  laura was all, "is that...?"

to which i replied, "...i think it--OH MY GOD," and then snatched it off the shelf and squealed in delight.  and that is my second use of the word "delight" in this post.

i'm going to bed this time...really.

today's the day i realised that i could be loved
it echoed through the park last night:
'he wasn't our son; he belonged to everyone.'
and this loss isn't good enough for sorrow or inspiration
it's such a loss for the good guys, afraid of this life
that it just is
'cause everybody
dies.

your damn friend: i went to the doctor
your damn friend: and he gave me like
your damn friend: this eyedrop
your damn friend: with like
your damn friend: steroids and an antibiotic or something idk
your damn friend: he was like IDK WHAT'S WRONG! :D
jay: wow...
jay: LMAO
jay: BUT TAKE STEROIDS!!
your damn friend: yes
jay: HAHAHAHAhahahahHAaAaAAa
your damn friend: LMFAO
jay: is what he said
jay: yes
your damn friend: the steroids are for the swelling
your damn friend: or
your damn friend: something
jay: steroids decrease swelling?
your damn friend: according to my eye doctor!
jay: you sure that was the real doctor? Like, he didn't reschedule you for 30 minutes before your appointment? As you walked out, did you notice a doctor walking toward your room while the "eye doctor" jumped out the window and into his '87 Volvo?
your damn friend: LMFAO

and that is my day so far.

now i get to hop in the car with my brother, his girlfriend, and my father and mother, and drive eight hours to mississippi.  AWESOME, except not really, at all.  my eye hurts like a bitch and i want it to JUST STOP HURTING RIGHT NOW, PLEASE.

every time someone asks what's wrong i say, "it feels like i was punched in the eye."  it's weird to know what that feels like from experience.  THE EXPERIENCE OF HAVING BEEN HIT IN THE EYE.

oh, childhood.  we had such good times together.

...i would kill for some sweet tea right now.